you're like a bully in the Christmas story
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
