The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize