so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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