I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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