i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
