Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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