Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
