I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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