using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize