This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
