Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
