does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
