I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
