The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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