I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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