Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
