News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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