I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
