I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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