Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
