I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
