Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
