Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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