I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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