This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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