If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
