The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
