I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
