That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
