Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
