So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
