it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
