Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Enjoy the penises
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize