You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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