I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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