My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
