I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My dick has a subreddit
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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