I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
