i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
