we're chasing vodka with high fives
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
