I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
