I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I love having hate sex.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
