Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
