I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
