Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
