Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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