i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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