can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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