happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
