Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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