And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
