We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
