My friends, they love my intelligence
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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