All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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