Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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