her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
