Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
