There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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