My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
