I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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