Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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