My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
